We talk a lot about how our understanding of and language for gender is growing increasingly expansive. More and more, people are starting to realize that gender isn’t a binary. The same is true for sexuality.
But while gender and sexuality are both growing increasingly expansive, they are certainly not one and the same. Gender and sexuality are two distinct aspects of self that often get conflated with one another, or incorrectly seen as intrinsically related. Gender is personal — it’s how we see ourselves; sexual orientation, on the other hand, is interpersonal — who we are physically, emotionally and/or romantically attracted to.
It’s important for us to examine how gender and sexuality relate — and how and why they’re distinct — because conflating them can have negative consequences for our children, employees, communities and beyond.
The relationship between gender and sexuality
Sexuality is connected to gender in the sense that our sexual orientation is often defined by our own gender and the gender or genders of people that we’re attracted to. Sexual orientations are often rooted in the gender binary. But as our understanding of gender grows increasingly expansive, what happens to sexuality? For example, if you love a non-binary person, what implications (if any) does that have on your sexual orientation?
A look at Gen Z offers a hint of what’s coming. According to a study from Ipsos, only 52 percent of Gen Z say they are only attracted to the opposite sex, compared to 76 percent of Gen X-ers. A Gallup survey found that nearly 12 percent of all Gen Z adults identify as bisexual. And more and more, we’re seeing young people identify as “pansexual” — meaning they’re attracted to people of all genders.
Phillip Hammack — a psychology professor and director of the Sexual and Gender Diversity Laboratory at the University of California at Santa Cruz — had this to say: “The rigid lines around gender and sexuality are just opening up for everybody. Young people are just doing it. They’re leading this revolution, and they’re forcing scientists to take a closer look.”
It’s important to acknowledge that these aspects of ourselves — both gender and sexuality — are not fixed (even if our identities remain the same). Our understanding of who we are evolves and morphs over time. They are deeply personal and complex aspects of who we are and how we relate to the world.
Along those lines, it’s not always straightforward when people who identify as lesbian or gay are attracted to people who are non-binary or agender. If a person identifies as a woman and lesbian, then begins a relationship with someone who is non-binary and pansexual, does that mean that she isn’t a lesbian anymore? This is personal, and the implications and decisions are different for each person. It’s important to acknowledge that being part of a lesbian or gay community — just as any other marginalized identity — creates a sense of belonging. As many of us expand our sense of self in terms of gender and sexuality, it’s still important to find people with shared experiences and identities who can provide much-needed support and community.
What happens when we conflate gender and sexuality
You’ve probably witnessed people conflate gender and sexuality. Imagine a young boy on the playground who displays stereotypically feminine characteristics, or wears a dress. Classmates may bully this boy, calling him “gay” or a “fag.” Essentially, they’re equating how this young person is presenting his gender with his sexuality. This is problematic for several reasons (beyond the act of bullying itself), including the fact that it sends an inaccurate message to youth: if your gender does not conform to societal expectations, that means you’re gay. But we know that how you feel about your gender is different from your sexual orientation. It’s critical that we understand gender on its own and make a concerted effort to talk to children about gender as young people grow and develop their sense of self. This will give them the frameworks, support and language they need to thrive.
This comes into play for adults, too. There are certain gendered characteristics that are stereotypically and arbitrarily associated with gay men and lesbian women. Perhaps you’ve seen a woman proclaim that that guy “must be gay” simply because of an outfit they’re wearing or the intonation of their voice. We’ve also heard from gay men who feel the need to perform hypermasculine characteristics at work in order to fit in with the culture. The association of gender-related traits and expression with sexual orientation can be entrapping for people who are gay and who may or may not express themselves in these ways. The conflation of gender and sexuality creates arbitrary gender constraints that prevent people from showing up or being seen as their full selves.
When we talk to companies in particular about gender, most assume that they’re “covered” because they have women-focused programming and an LGBTQIA+ employee resource group. They equate an expansive understanding of gender as part of their LGBTQIA+ programs — the policies and initiatives that support trans people at the office. But by grouping gender in the LGB umbrella, we fail to recognize gender as its own category. This is short sighted and neglects to address the fact that all of us are affected by gender norms and the binary way of thinking. The expansion of gender isn’t only happening for transgender and non-binary identified people. A cisgender, heterosexual man who sometimes wears a blouse or a skirt is not trans or gay; what he wears does not define either his gender or sexual identity.
Looking ahead
It is encouraging to see that new generations have an expansive approach to gender and sexuality that will almost certainly lead to more people feeling like they are empowered to show up as their true selves. This is something to be celebrated.
As we adapt to this shift, it’s important that we are deliberate about understanding gender as its own category and aspect of ourselves, one that’s distinct from, but related to our sexual orientation. This begins simply by paying attention to the ways that we may be incorrectly conflating gender and sexuality in our lives, language, interactions and programs.
